Your mouth is God's brothel.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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