Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
