My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
