I want to stick my p in your. b.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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