hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
