you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
