If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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