just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
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