dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
