So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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