Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Operation Purity has been aborted
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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