i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
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Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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