he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
