I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
