Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Randomize
