i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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