I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
