Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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