break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
