I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
