My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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