Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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