We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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