this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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