We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
