i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
