I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
