you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
