I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
