It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
