There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
