I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
