evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
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His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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