I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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