Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
