shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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