I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
