i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
