my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
