Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
