Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
