i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
