i think my tv is drunk
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
