im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
