Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
