Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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