it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
