he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
