mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
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