I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
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Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
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But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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