oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Of course I have a pirate flag
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
