I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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