Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
