i wish there were pregnant emoticons
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
