I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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