Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
