I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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