Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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