Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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