She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
